The Curse of Misa Montana
by aflaskj
Summary: Hannah Montana is kidnapped with relations to Kira! What will the task force do? Will Misa be a good replacement for the pop singer? CRACK.


**You read it right. This is the result of a mind on crack. (I found it to be dated back two months or so. I guess I never had the **_**nerve**_** to put it up. o.o)**

**Sorry it's so long. It's supposed to be a one-shot but I might continue it judging by the amount of feedback.**

**WARNING: Lots of Hannah Montana abuse/making fun of. All of it is light-hearted. Nothing personal. As well as the Matsuda abuse…I luffs him. :3 I also apologize in advance if the characters are too crack-ish and OOC. Oh, and Hannah Montana puns. Randomness as well (weirdness too). Laid-back writing style.**

**I HAD WAAAAAY TOO MUCH FUN WITH THIS.**

**Diclaimer: I don't own Death Note or Hannah Montana. Just the idea of putting them together. XD**

------

_**Bloodstained Jeans**_

It was another quiet day at the HQ.

Except for all the constant slurping L kept making, as he sipped, no, _gulped_ down his tea.

After Light swatted it out of his hands (and after a bit of fighting—L _owned_ him), everything was quiet again.

…Except the constant noises of keyboard tapping.

Would it _ever_ be totally silent?

Apparently not.

Matsuda came running in, almost spilling L's coffee. He slammed it next to L on his desk (earned a glance from him), and stopped with his over exuberant moves—just stood, panting, and loosening his collar.

Light's father was the first to speak after a few amusing _silent_ moments. "What on earth is wrong with you Matsuda?"

Matsuda sucked in some air, gulped, and then exhaled deeply before bringing a hand to his forehead—as if to blot his brow of sweat. "While I was working as Misa Misa's manager someone got a call."

"Is that all, Matsuda?"

"Er, no, Chief! Actually…it's just…well…"

"Yes?"

"Hannah Montana has been kidnapped!"

Wow.

Silence.

L just stared at him with a blank look while Light resisted the urge to laugh.

"Matsuda," Aizawa said. "Are you even sure this is true?"

"Y-yeah! It was her manager who was getting her booth all set up for pictures when she got the call. While taking a breather backstage she was taken by her bodyguards."

"How do you know this?" Mogi spoke up.

Now it was Light's turn to stare. When did he _ever_ speak up, really?

"Well…the bodyguards died of heart attacks after Miss Montana was taken wherever she was…taken."

Now L looked suddenly interested. "Is that right?" L muttered, head tilted toward the ceiling as if in deep thought.

"Can you prove it?" Light said, standing up from his seat.

"_Ryuzaki!_" A voice spoke up from the screen of L's laptop—a bright, white screen with a black "W" in Old English font appeared.

"Yes Watari?"

"_What Matsuda has said is indeed true. Hannah Montana is missing. Videotapes are being mailed to you and all evidence are coming as well."_

"Good." The message ended and L twirled his seat around, feet curling on the edges, and drank noisily from his teacup.

Light looked surprised, and then irked. "Wait…Ryuzaki…are you _serious_?"

L looked at him over the rim of his cup. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Light gaped, mouth hanging open (and his eye almost visibly twitched). "But this is…Hannah Montana! An American pop star!"

"And this is the _Kira Case!_" Aizawa piped up.

L glanced at Light and then merely paused to stare at Aizawa. "Did you miss the part where this kidnapping coincided with Kira?"

Light sighed while Aizawa grumbled (muttering something about hating Mondays).

The Chief managed to bring them back on track with, "If this is true, then we can't let the public know about this Montana's kidnapping since this may be a statement being made by Kira. Lives could be lost."

"Yes, Miss Montana could be murdered."

"Statement? Kira doesn't like pop singers? That's so uncool."

"This is outrageous! I didn't sign up for this!"

"When we find her can I get her autograph?"

All eyes turned to Mogi.

"It's for my…sister…twice removed," Mogi stuttered.

"That must be why I have found no account of her," L retorted dryly.

Ignoring their outbursts, the Chief said, "Then we are going to have to find a replacement for her—just for the public eye."

Aizawa sighed. "And just _where _are_ we _going to find a replacement?"

A shrilly scream pierced the air, turning Light's eardrums into jelly.

"LIIIIIIIIIGHT!!"

Bingo.

-

"I get to cosplay as Hannah Montana? I get to be a pop star sensation? Misa accepts!" The girl was jumping up and down (her cheeks should have been hurting by how much she was smiling).

"It was more of an order," L drawled.

"Great!" Matsuda replied (everyone ignored L's _meanness_).

"But you have to understand Amane-san, you will have to _dress _like Miss Montana would, _sing_ like she would, and _act_ like she would. No answering to your own name."

"Misa Misa is a good actress! Misa can act like Hannah Montana any time!" she squealed so loudly Light heard popping sounds all over the room.

L nodded (unaffected by her squeal?) and looked at Matsuda. "Please set up Amane-san with Miss Montana's manager—she will accept whatever you have to say because I have already contacted her." He then looked at Aizawa. "Run tests over the evidence and don't leave a spot untouched."

"Can we watch the tapes?" Matsuda said.

"Light-kun and I already have."

"Uh…can _I_ watch the tapes?"

L stared at Matsuda for a few moments then quickly turned back to his laptop. "Watari, please find someone suitable enough for Amane-san's new manager as Miss Montana."

"_Of course, Ryuzaki._"

Matsuda's jaw fell slack, as he had almost no words. "Y-you….find me useful?!"

L looked at him like he had grown another head. "Who else will bring me my coffee while we take over two cases at once?"

(Duh.)

Hey, wait a second! Matsuda still wants to watch the tapes…

-

"Uh…Ryuzaki?"

"Hmm?"

"Why are we keeping this under wraps?"

Sigh.

The Happening:

"Why would Kira want to kidnap Hannah Montana?" Sayu cried. She had grown fond of the American singer. _She got nerve all the way!_ (Nerve to _like_ Hannah Montana.)

"Oh, Sayu, I'm sure someone will find her," her mother smiled.

"Does Kira really hate her songs?"

"Well…."

"I'll show Kira!"

Sayu appears on television. (Miraculously, of course, Disney helped her follow her dream.)

"Kira…I might understand why you are doing this…she has been the cause of death for _some_ people who couldn't tolerate her nasally voice but it is still not right! It is evil! You cannot kidnap teenage girls (no matter how annoying they are)! Kira, I will hunt you down and make you stay in a prison that has her songs on _all day_. I….am JUSTICE!"

This will happen with millions of other Hannah Montana supporters and junkies all over the world.

End of The Happening.

"So, you see, Matsuda, that is why we cannot let the public know."

"Uh…you didn't tell me anything."

"You didn't see what Sayu Yagami would do?"

"What?"

"Never mind. I forgot I have to tell you every single detail because of your low IQ."

(And possibly because Matsuda cannot read minds. That would make him a Gary Stu, children. And stew has nothing to do with it.)

"…"

"The fate of millions of little girls (and possibly immature men who never got out of elementary school) rests in Miss Montana's hands."

"She must have big hands."

"Can you get me another cup of coffee please?"

-

"Who's idea was it to make _Misa Amane_ of all people _Hannah Montana_?!"

"L. I trust his judgment."

Snort.

"Yeah, you would. You know nothing about Hannah Montana too."

"Am I to assume you watch her show and listen to her music?"

"Oh, shut up Watari."

Watari is sad.

Sad Watari.

"Okay, fine, I'll do it. But _only_ because of your old man puppy dog eyes. Not because I want to please L or save Montana and Amane's _butt_. I can't stand it!"

"And if that hadn't have worked I would have always tried my "eyebrow wiggle" technique."

"No…just no. Don't _ever_ do that. That would be creepy."

"My apologies."

"So, when do I start my slow but inevitable death?"

"Good to know you still have your humor, dear."

"Hey, I'm not joking, Gramps. I'm dealing with the Second Kira _and_ the possibility of another Kira who hates teenage girls because they cannot pull off being blonde."

"I understand. Your ticket to Japan is already paid for."

"Ugh…you think you can pay for hair dye too? I just realized I can't pull off blonde too well either."

-

"When will Misa's new manager arrive? Misa wants to start her new, fun career as soon as possible so Misa can get back to modeling!"

"Amane-san can still model while serving as a substitute. Your manager can make sure of it."

"She will?"

A voice and a "W" from the laptop. "_She will?_"

"Hopefully, yes."

"Ryuzaki," Light said, breaking off Misa and L's annoying banter. "Who is her new manager? How do you know we can trust her?"

"Oh, Light you _do_ care?"

Huggle.

"Yeah, sure." Light slid out of Misa's embrace easily as she went off to pout.

"Do not worry, Light-kun. I remember her from another case we did together."

"Ooh! Were you lovers?"

Oh, Matsuda. Never change.

"No."

"Friends?"

"No."

"Partners?"

"No."

"Uh…enemies?"

"It depends."

"I really hope you know what the definition of 'trust' _really_ means, Ryuzaki…" Light mused.

"So it's not Naomi Misora?"

"No. Who could that be I wonder?" L stared at Matsuda, fingers pulling his bottom lip.

"I read minds?" No! Bad Matsuda! You're not a Gary Stu!

"Okay, maybe I don't…"

"You don't, Matsuda. I am 99% sure of it."

"What about the other 1%?"

"Can you guys, just, _SHUT UP_?"

"You are in quite a bad mood today, Light-kun."

"Does the word "Hannah Montana" have anything to do with it?" Light snarled.

"Correction, "Hannah Montana" is two words."

Face palm.

"…So it is not Linda?"

"Matsuda, shut up and get Ryuzaki more coffee."

(Maybe if he was lucky, Matsuda could read coffee minds.)

-

"I'm home!"

She looks around the room.

"Dang it, wrong address!"

She leaves to search the building that _no one was supposed to miss because L made it impossible to miss._

-

"I'm home!"

She looked around the room.

"Dang it, wrong—well howdy!"

"Uh…hi!"

Blonde girl at 2 o' clock! (No really, just check the clock. Oh wait, it hasn't been described yet.)

The clock struck 2 o' clock. It was brown. And its hands were black. Its face was white. (Booyah.)

"I am looking for Hannah Montana, do you know where she is?"

The blonde girl gasped. "No! She is missing!"

"You must be Amane Misa."

Gasp! "How did you know?"

"I was told you were going to substitute as Hannah Montana."

"Oh yeah! How did you know who Misa was?"

"…just take me to your leader-san."

-

"I'm home!" The girl looked around the room then said to Misa standing beside her, "This is the right place, right?"

"Ye—"

"Oh, this must be it, where else would a guy sitting like a frog be?"

"Good to see you too, Jenna," L responded dryly.

"_You're_ Misa's new manager? Where does Ryuzaki come from to find you people?"

"You know how babies are made right? And I'm actually normal."

She was indeed 'normal'. She was as tall as Light, had brown hair reaching her shoulders, and wore green colored contacts. She wore 'normal' clothing—clothes. Her alias was 'Jenna'—her real name was the name that _wasn't_ the alias.

"Wow, I could fall for you!" Matsuda piped up.

But you won't Matsuda; she's not a Mary Sue.

Aw, poor loveless Matsuda. Suck it up with some stew.

"I won't catch you, I got a job to do!" And Jenna quickly about faced to look at Misa (so she could do what her purpose was).

"Time for me to Montana you."

"Yay!"

Oh bother.

When they left the room, L pondered to himself, "Do I really sit like a frog?"

Light resisted the urge to respond with a, "YES AND YOU SUCK TOO."

Would his _hate_ for him never end?

The answer is clear when he tries to doge a kick to his face when he realizes he said the "yes" and then a more colorful variation of the rest.

-

Phase One:

"Alright, Misa."

"Yay!"

"Don't answer to Misa!"

"Misa is sorry."

Phase One incomplete.

Phase Two:

"Dress like her."

"All done!"

"_Hannah_, you don't wear skimpy Lolita skirts…"

Twirl number two.

"Is this better?"

"What did you do? Lengthen the skirt by a centimeter?"

Twirl number three.

"Better?"

"You forgot the shirt."

Sigh. Phase Two would have to continue after Misa actually _got_ dressed.

Phase Three:

"Sing like her."

"LALALALA—"

"NO."

"Okay…"

Jenna handed Misa the music sheets (with lyrics) of Hannah Montana's songs.

"Read them. Love them. _Sing them_."

Misa wrinkled her nose. "Ew! This is all too happy!"

"What do you want to do with them? Put someone dying? There's supposed to be a song on that already….'I Miss You'."

"Misa can't sing these!"

No, Misa can't sing _at all_.

"Misa will need to rewrite them!"

Misa also can't complete Phase One either.

"Look, I have to go to the bathroom and you're on in seven minutes. Put something decent on—okay, put something actually ON—and just memorize at least one or two songs. Okay?"

"You can count on Misa!"

"HANNAH."

"You can count on Misa Montana!" she giggled.

Eh, better than nothing. The audience will just think Hannah had gone mental. Not too far off the mark, actually.

-

"What are you doing here?" L muttered when Jenna stepped back into headquarters.

"I forgot my purse, freak. The better question is what the heck are you _watching_?"

L was sitting frog-style on a couch pulled up in front of the TV (Light was knocked out beside him). "Misa's debut. I wanted to see how fair she is at the job."

Jenna's heart raced. _Oh no._ "I hope she actually used my advice!"

Shouldn't be that hard. Wear weird rainbow dresses and prance around while trying to sing. No big. And the songs were easy to memorize (but that is when too many commercials of her are on).

(Misa's commercials were annoying too--and pink. They have so much in common.)

Jenna sat on L's other side and leaned forward anxiously.

"Give it up for…HANNAH MONTANA!" the announcer shouted as the crowd went wild.

Misa ran (no, wait, she _skipped_) onto the stage. "Hello, everyone!"

Jenna gasped. "She's wearing a nun outfit!"

To make matters worse, she began singing.

"I'm gunna put on my bloodstained jeans!"

After the word 'bloodstained' Jenna sat straight up and glared at L. "You have the worst ideas _ever_!"

**~fin~ (maybe?)**

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**XD**

**Forgive me, I couldn't resist! **

**I might actually continue this randomly, with chapters named after HM songs Misa butchers. **

**But tell me you want me to continue in…you guessed it…REVIEWS. **

**-kittens throw blonde wigs-**


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